Advance Directives: The Wishes in Writing

the proxy is the decider, the living will is the manual

The advance directive map

Two documents honor the parent's wishes instead of guessing them: the living will records what treatment the parent does and does not want, and the healthcare proxy names the person who decides when the parent cannot.

1. The two documentsLiving will + healthcare proxyThe living will records treatment wishes for end-of-life situations (resuscitation, breathing machines, feeding tubes, comfort care); the healthcare proxy names the decider. They work together: proxy as decider, living will as instruction manual.
2. How to complete themThe conversation first, not the formThe parent talks, the family listens, and the form gets filled in from the parent's words: small doses, no audience. Use the state's free forms, sign with the required witnesses while the parent has capacity, and distribute copies to the proxy, backup, clinicians, hospital, and the documents checklist.
3. The common mistakesNo conversation, hidden, never reviewed, confused with the POAA form signed without the parent's values is a guess with a notary; directives belong where a hospital can find them, not a safe deposit box; wishes change, so review every few years and after any major diagnosis; and the financial POA is about money, not treatment.
4. Why it mattersNot legal or medical adviceForms and rules are state-specific: an attorney and the parent's clinician are the right sources, and this plain-language map is how the family gets the question asked at all.

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The two documents

• The living will records what treatment the parent does and does not want, typically covering end-of-life situations: resuscitation, breathing machines, feeding tubes, and comfort care.
• The healthcare proxy names the person who makes decisions when the parent cannot. The proxy questions guide covers choosing that person.

The two work together: the proxy is the decider, and the living will is the instruction manual. The National Institute on Aging's end-of-life guidance frames both as the way the family honors the parent's wishes instead of guessing them.

How to complete them

1. Start with the conversation, not the form. The parent talks, the family listens, and the form gets filled in from the parent's words. The conversation methods apply: small doses, no audience.
2. Use the state's forms (often available free from the state health department or a hospital), and have an attorney review them if the situation is not simple.
3. Sign with the required witnesses, while the parent has capacity. A directive signed too late is not signed at all.
4. Distribute copies: proxy, backup, clinicians, hospital, and the documents checklist.

The common mistakes

• Filling it out alone, without the conversation. A form with the parent's signature but not their values is a guess with a notary.
• Hiding it in a safe deposit box. Directives belong where a hospital can find them, not where they need a court order to open.
• Never reviewing it. Wishes change with health and life; review the directives every few years and after any major diagnosis.
• Confusing it with the financial POA. The financial POA is about money; the proxy and living will are about treatment.

Why it matters to the family

The family that has the directives makes the hardest decisions with the parent's voice in the room instead of arguing about what the parent "would have wanted." It does not make the grief easier, but it makes the guilt lighter, which is the practical gift of the document. The grief support guide is the reference for what comes after.

Related guides

• Healthcare proxy: the questions to ask
• Power of attorney: the questions to ask
• The documents checklist

Sources & verification

This page is checked against the standards in our editorial policy. Reviewed August 2026:

• National Institute on Aging: End of Life (retrieved August 2026)
• National Institute on Aging: Legal and Financial Planning (retrieved August 2026)

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